I Always Feel Like somebody's Watching Me

              The Federal Government has been under fire recently for reading emails from several reporters without a warrant.  Additionally, it has now come out that the government is also listening tapping phone calls of Verizon customers.  While I’m against the government doing these things I have checked out my email accounts for things that I get that the government might deem suspicious.

               I think the FDA might be very interested in me right about now.  My spam inbox has several offers to get me drugs from Canada and Europe.  I seem like some international drug kingpin.  Call me Ricardo "The Jackal" Carino with offices in the U, Mexico and Panama.  On top of that there are several offers of Viagra and Cialis waiting for me.  Do they know something that I don’t?  Has my girlfriend secretly put my name on a list for these products as a hint hint wink wink?

               The word is out apparently that I’m poor.  Could it be the negative bank account balance?  Perhaps it is my girlfriend hinting at an engagement ring or the fact that I had to put down that high quality store brand mac n cheese the other day and instead grab some Ramen noodles for dinner.  All I know is I have been deluged with people wanting to give me loans.  A loan with a 658% APR?  That’s sounds like a good idea!

               Speaking of money I don’t know why I need to take a loan shark type loan.  I’ve learned that I have not only one millions of pounds in the British lottery but a goat herder from Africa has chosen me; yes me, to receive his family fortune that is wasting away in a Swiss bank account.  All I have to do is send him $5000 via Western Union and he will give me this huge check.  I’m a little skeptical because in 2000 I was briefly a Turkish millionaire.  I had 5 million Turkish lira in my pocket.  The problem was 750,000 Turkish liras was merely worth on US dollar.  Fortunes come as fast as they go sometimes. 

               If I was a single I’d have no shortage of women to choose from.  Adriana21 has written to me several times always with the same topic “We can perfectly spend some time together,” reminiscing about how we used to chat and she always wanted me.  Well she’s single now and moving to, you guessed it, “RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.”  She has no idea where I live but she’ll be here soon!  Strangely enough Brooke has sent me the same exact email.  If I didn’t believe in fate I’d swear these weren’t real people.  Fortunately for me the government has not released to the public all the emails I have received for penis enlargement.

               I’m hoping the government is just glossing over what is inside my inbox.  Otherwise I could have a world of hurt coming down from several agencies.  Worse than that is I may or may not be any good in the sack as evidenced by the targeted market toward my small manhood and lack of staying power.  Finally Adriana21 and Brooke have really been persistent with their emails about us and the fact they are moving “Right Effin NEAR U.”  They have become serious stalkers as I’ve noticed they’ve written to me for the past 14 days sometimes several times per day.  I don’t know if I should call the authorities as they are the ones snooping on me to begin with.  They must already know and I’m hoping they are dealing with my potential stalkers.

Bondage Gone Wrong

           

I wrote a review for a wonderful product. a portable inflatable bondage chair on Amazon.  What a genius idea!  How many times have you wanted to practice a little BDSM yet you just didn't have the right equipment handy?  I have included the link at the end for those of you interested.

             I was so excited to receive my Fetish Fantasy Series Inflatable Bondage Chair.  I knew that it was going to be a great day for me when I arrived home to find not only the chair but the executioner’s hood, studded jockstrap and nipple clamps that your fine company sells. 

            This chair is perfect for the bondage practitioner that is always on the go.  Sometimes it is just not feasible, when you meet a willing master or slave to get them to come back to your dungeon.  I like that this chair folds up to a manageable size that I can place in the trunk of my car and still have room to comfortably fit my weekly groceries.  You never know if you the urge to engage in bondage at work, on a Sunday picnic or a Saturday night at the club will strike you.  This portable inflatable chair really is the answer.

            There are many pros to this chair.

1. Size
2. Restraints

The Velcro restraints for the hands and feet hold me firmly in place no matter how much or how hard I was punished. 

3. Easy to clean

I keep a container of disinfectant wipes nearby and it cleans up with ease.

            The Cons:

1.      No pump.

This is a good size chair that anyone would be proud to display as everyday use inflatable furniture.  That being said, I had to do a lot of blowing to inflate this chair before I could engage in any BDSM.

2.      Maximum Weight

                 The max weight is 300lbs.  Being a larger man myself I going to have to keep my dominatrix to a very respectable weight level.  If I wanted a Rubenesque woman to punish me I very well could break this fine chair.

3.      Craftsmanship

I was highly disappointed in the quality of the material.  As I was getting worked over with a cat o nine tails I thrashed from side to side in all my glory.  However I was wearing you studded jockstrap during this.  Call me a demanding consumer but I think the material should be able to withstand a little stud.  I punctured the chair.  I didn’t think it would deflate so rapidly.  Adding the combination of the whip beating that I was taking, the chair tipped over and I hit my head on the wall in the alley I was using this portable chair in.  I was rushed to the head bleeding.  It was quite embarrassing to go to the hospital wearing nothing but your studded jockstrap, the Fetish Fantasy Series Ball gag that I had purchased a few months ago and a nasty head gash.  Fortunately, the chair has a soft head rest and I only sustained a minor concussion. I was cleared to participate in BDSM activities after only a couple of weeks. 

I know the chair came with a repair kit but I am now suffering from PTSD and I’m not sure I will be able to be sure I can use this chair with anyone but a woman under 100lbs.  

 http://www.amazon.com/Fetish-Fantasy-Series-Inflatable-Bondage/dp/B0098C6QN6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1360005874&sr=8-1&keywords=inflatable+bondage+chair

A Mix Tape For Carrie

I was bored one day so I decided to place this on Craigslist.    I had many responses flood in but evfentually I was flagged and removed.  i have no idea how I voilated their terms of service.  all i wanted was to give someone else the powere that this mix tape had for me.  One guy said he wanted it but any thing he would offer would be an insult to the awesomeness that this tape is.

This is just the ramblings of an 18 year old high school senior circa 1989.  

In 1989 my girlfriend Carrie cheated on me and broke up with me. I made her this mix tape and liner notes that I included with it I retyped. It was a strange 3 days for me. Obviously in hindsight this tape was a bad idea. Shockingly I did NOT get her back Maybe someone wants a mix tape for their enjoyment. Maybe Carrie wants it.

Huey Lewis "Doing It All For My Baby"
This song showed how happy I was when we got together. I did everything for you. We were so happy. I remember going roller skating and holding hands. Our life seemed so wonderful.

Frida "I Know There's Something Going On"
Suddenly you became very withdrawn. I'd call and you wouldn't answer. I then had Donna call you while I listened in on total phone. I heard you tell her that you were also seeing Jimmy. I was so pissed and then when I confronted you and you said I didn't hear correctly. How could you do this to me?
Simple Minds "Don't You forget About Me"
It hurt so bad that you didn't want to see me. I don't know how you could forget about me so easily. I mean I really loved you! This was the most amazing 13 days of my life. I thought you loved me too!

Glass Tiger "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone"
This song says it perfectly. Don't forget me or my heart will break. I think you already forgot me. Yesterday when you told me you didn't want to see me anymore was the worst day of my life!

Rockwell "Somebody's Watching Me"
I wish you were watching me but actually I've been watching you. I'm sorry I called and hung up but I miss you so much. I wanted to hear your voice but you don't want to talk to me. Don't be mad at Donna for letting me be on total phone to listen to you talk to her. If you'd talk to me I wouldn't have to.

Animotion "Obsession"
OK since you won't talk to me I was forced to sit outside your house. This way I could at least see you walk by the window. By the way I saw you go to your room with Jimmy. It real interesting that you told me your parents didn't allow boys in your room all the time we were together. Jimmy will never love you like I do! You know he is with a lot of girls. He will cheat on you. I never would.

Vapors "Turning Japanese"
You told me it was disgusting to do this. I'm going to do it all day. I also finished in the scarf that you left in my car. I hate you!

Bonnie Tyler "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
I really don't hate you. I was just mad. Like Bonnie Tyler says we are a powder keg. Once upon a time we were in love but now I really am only falling apart. Don't worry I'll get stronger . . ..someday.

Culture Club "Miss Me Blind"
You will so miss me. 3 days ago I was broken and beaten. I'm feeling better this morning but I know you will soon realize what a mistake you made.

Mister Mister "Broken Wings"
This song lifts me up. I know I'm better for having been with you. You make me so angry but I'm moving on. I'm not hanging out in front of your house either.

Corey Hart "Never Surrender"
I'm officially over you and am going to leave this in your locker. I won't surrender to what you did to me. I'm better than that! I was lost and on my own. The night was once cold and dark. You can't take away my fight. Also just so you know 3 days ago I thought I would never make it through this. Guess what your ex friend Donna came over and we made out in the basement where we used to make out. Take that I'm better. I hope you like this tape though because I think it was pretty awesome.

Just so you know I found out that Jimmy did give Carrie Herpes though.  If you think this is funny please share it with others.  I'd really appreciate it.  See you soon.