The Federal Government has been under fire recently for reading
emails from several reporters without a warrant. Additionally, it has now come out that the
government is also listening tapping phone calls of Verizon customers. While I’m against the government doing these
things I have checked out my email accounts for things that I get that the
government might deem suspicious.
I think
the FDA might be very interested in me right about now. My spam inbox has several offers to get me
drugs from Canada and Europe. I seem
like some international drug kingpin. Call
me Ricardo "The Jackal" Carino with offices in the U, Mexico and Panama. On top of that there are several offers of Viagra
and Cialis waiting for me. Do they know
something that I don’t? Has my
girlfriend secretly put my name on a list for these products as a hint hint
wink wink?
The word
is out apparently that I’m poor. Could
it be the negative bank account balance?
Perhaps it is my girlfriend hinting at an engagement ring or the fact that
I had to put down that high quality store brand mac n cheese the other day and
instead grab some Ramen noodles for dinner.
All I know is I have been deluged with people wanting to give me
loans. A loan with a 658% APR? That’s sounds like a good idea!
Speaking
of money I don’t know why I need to take a loan shark type loan. I’ve learned that I have not only one
millions of pounds in the British lottery but a goat herder from Africa has
chosen me; yes me, to receive his family fortune that is wasting away in a
Swiss bank account. All I have to do is
send him $5000 via Western Union and he will give me this huge check. I’m a little skeptical because in 2000 I was
briefly a Turkish millionaire. I had 5
million Turkish lira in my pocket. The
problem was 750,000 Turkish liras was merely worth on US dollar. Fortunes come as fast as they go
sometimes.
If I was
a single I’d have no shortage of women to choose from. Adriana21 has written to me several times always
with the same topic “We can perfectly spend some time together,” reminiscing
about how we used to chat and she always wanted me. Well she’s single now and moving to, you
guessed it, “RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.” She
has no idea where I live but she’ll be here soon! Strangely enough Brooke has sent me the same
exact email. If I didn’t believe in fate
I’d swear these weren’t real people.
Fortunately for me the government has not released to the public all the
emails I have received for penis enlargement.
I’m
hoping the government is just glossing over what is inside my inbox. Otherwise I could have a world of hurt coming
down from several agencies. Worse than
that is I may or may not be any good in the sack as evidenced by the targeted
market toward my small manhood and lack of staying power. Finally Adriana21 and Brooke have really been
persistent with their emails about us and the fact they are moving “Right Effin
NEAR U.” They have become serious
stalkers as I’ve noticed they’ve written to me for the past 14 days sometimes
several times per day. I don’t know if I
should call the authorities as they are the ones snooping on me to begin
with. They must already know and I’m
hoping they are dealing with my potential stalkers.
